An Obituary for Carl the Carpenter

By Christopher Schmitz



Bucket, Plow, Buzzy the cement mixer, and the community of Carltown, UK, are saddened by the loss of a friend. Can we nail it, Carl? Apparently someone could.


Carl T. Carpenter died Thursday afternoon, February 30th as a result of a vehicular accident. The half-owner and operator of Carl’s Construction Yard, Carl was perhaps best known as the central figure of the television series, “Carl the Carpenter,” produced by THC Entertainment. His show emphasized proper construction techniques stressing workplace safety. His popular slogan, “Can we nail it? Yes we can,” and the lesser known Carlism, “Bring me the big hammer and a tequila,” will long be remembered on construction sites across the country.


The accident occurred on Highway NA, traveling from his construction yard to a television production set, Carl apparently lost his grip and fell from the side of his vehicle; an oncoming vehicle driven by his good friend Farmer Cucumbers struck Carl at approximately eighty kilometers per hour. The video production was to be titled “Buckle Up For Safety,” a show themed around automobile safety. A grief stricken Cucumbers reportedly asked, “Why? Why did this promoter of workplace safety insist on hanging off the side of moving vehicles? I’ll never understand why this good man had to die.” Carl’s father also stated that, “Ever since he was little, Carl enjoyed the adrenaline rush of street surfing, which [bears a remarkable resemblance to the manner in which] he died.”


Autopsy reports initially questioned cause of death; once Carl had been fully gathered and reassembled, a large amount of blue paint was found inside his body. Paint poisoning was initially assumed as the actual cause of death, but it was later verified that Farmer Cucumber’s vehicle was blue, and the paint had chipped off in the collision and subsequent dismemberment.


The vehicle he fell from, Carl’s paranoid crane truck Lifty, later hung himself with his own cable, falling so distraught that his machine friends all agreed it was the best thing to do. The funerals will be held jointly at the Schmitz Family Funeral Home & Scrap Yard.


Carl is survived by his father, Carleton Carpenter, and his business partner, Sandy Carpenter, who has furnished proof that the two were secretly wed two years ago at a Las Vegas hotel. Under Sandy’s direction of the Carpenter estate, Carl’s Construction Yard has been sold to Lowe’s Companies Inc. for a reported seven million dollars in a deal claiming to “Put Carltown on the map.” Anonymous Internet conspiracy theorists have seen this as a possible sign that Sandy has “finally lost it and seized control however possible,” citing Lifty’s death as a “cover up.” A lawyer for Lowe’s had no comment.


In its many years of profitable operation, Carl’s Construction Yard only had reported one prior on-the-job accident, which involved Carl’s pet, Orchard the cat, a bag of cement mix, and a scarecrow who’d eaten a cluster of wild, hallucinogenic mushrooms.


Funeral ceremonies will be held at 10AM. Internment is at noon.





Christopher Schmitz is the author of The Kakos Realm fantasy novel series. His short fiction works include pieces of sci-fi, horror, fantasy, literary fiction, and satire. Most recently he has sold stories to Allegory, Space SquidFear and Trembling, Talking Stick: The Minnesota Literary Journal, and many more in the last couple years. He is also the author of The Kakos Realm: Grinden Proselyte, a fantasy novel with a sequel currently in writing. He keeps a monthly blog at



Published on January 3, 2009 at 3:30 pm  Leave a Comment  

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